September 2017 issue

The Small Town Times

September 2017 

Mike and Verna-May Litoris, Co-Editors of this here newsletter

September has been a busy month around Small Town as townsfolk are scurrying around getting ready for Winter. There’s canning needing to be done, firewood that needs to be chopped, and the outhouses need to be maintained.

In this month’s issue, our town gossip, Deborah Poirier tells us about how one jalopy’s joy ride ended in tragedy. And I give my first restaurant review from Uptown. So, I hope you enjoy reading this edition.

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Car Gets One-Way Ticket to Impound

It was a dreary fall evening when some teenagers came across a gruesome discovery. As they were walking in the woods they came across a body lying in the pathway.

One of them had a cell phone. They made the 911 call. Fortunately, I heard it on the radar and headed that way so that I could get my story.

I made my way to the wooded area where the body was discovered. The police were there and the yellow tape was already up. I made my way to the police and asked them a few questions to see what had transpired here.

Word was that the body had been there only a few hours. There was fur all over the place so it was hard to tell the exact cause of death. As I moved closer to the scene, I discovered that it was a dead deer

They were still looking over the scene, but it looked like they would need forensics to come to the scene and process the area for clues. In the meantime, the body was sent for an autopsy.

Farmer John did the autopsy and discovered that the body was struck by a vehicle. After the scene was processed, we began the search for the killer. After having all the cars in town go through the lineup, we finally found the car that had caused this heinous crime and incarcerated it for drunk driving.

During the year, this case finally made it to trial. The car was found guilty of all charges and the jury’s verdict was that it be impounded for life.

convicted jalopy

Uptown: The Fancy ‘Burb that has Everything

Mike Litoris, Logger Extraordinaire and Co-Editor of this here newsletter

Well, I was fixing to take the Mrs. on a really special day to a hog-tying contest in Small Town but my teenage daughter, Myka Litoris, insisted that the wife may like something more civilized. She told me about this tea house in Uptown that she thought her Mama would like.

So I left early this morning with the Mrs. to get to Uptown. Now, for those readers who don’t know – Uptown is a fancy suburb of Metropola (a really big city). Uptown is filled with all those rich city folk with indoor plumbing.

Anyway, we went to the fancy tea room my daughter wanted us to go to.  As we entered the fancy place, I held my wallet in my front pocket tightly knowing this place would hurt it.

It was definitely fancy enough with all sorts of antique dishes – the type that Granny would display in her china cabinet.

Then they brought over a menu of teas that were as long as my arms if they were laid end-to-end.  After a lot of looking and talking, the Mrs. and I decided on some fruit teas.  The waitress brought the teapots over and got them steeping over a candle.

Then we looked at the menu for food. While the Mrs. was “oooo’ing” and “aw’n” at the food – I was silently screaming at the prices. Some of the items I’d never heard of before – just what is a Coquille St. Jacques? (pronounced “crock-kill saint jack.”)

 

 

Anyway, while the Mrs. was taking pronunciation lessons from the waitress, I was eyein’ the booze menu. Cause Lordy! I needed a drink!

When the desserts came, I knew my pain of feeling like a logger in a china shop was almost over. Wait a minute! I am a logger! Anyway, here’s some photos.

This is an assortment of desserts. I believe it’s pronounced “pet it fours”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chocolate Souffle (soof-full)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then the bill came. I’m still consoling myself but I am glad that the Mrs. enjoyed herself. Fellas, your wife is priceless, a few dollars spent showing her a nice time goes a long way. And I do mean a long way. On the way home, she picked up some t-bone steaks and beer. So, I got what I wanted out of the deal too.

Many Thanks to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier

Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

 

The Old Man Secret Shopping Club

by Margo Prentice

There is a weird cult of old men who belong to secret groups of, “retired grocery shopper guys.” They have meetings in malls.  In warm weather they meet at designated bus stops where they sit on the benches. The topics on their meeting agendas involve coupons, the best deals and where the sales are. They compare prices and are very competitive; trying to outdo each other with the amounts of money they can save.

My husband has an envelope of coupons stuffed in his back pant pocket. He carries flyers with him and circles the items he is considering buying. If ham is on sale at more than one store, it is outlined in red in different flyers. The store that has best price is where he goes to shop.

Like many retired older men, many decide to take over the grocery shopping. This is not an unusual or new phenomenon. A group of older men was sitting having coffee at the Mall. My husband told me he met these guys when he saw them looking at the food flyers at a big round table. He asked what they were doing. They told him and invited him to join them. He joined in and from that first meeting there was no looking back.

There is a secret ritual of coupon poker; I have only watched from a distant and heard a little. They bid like five card stud, only with coupons. “I’ll have two coupons and they pick from the pile.” The coupons are slide carefully across the table to the bidder. Then the bidding begins. I bid two Safeway orange juice specials; I’ll raise you, three Thrifty store beef specials. The best coupon poker player ends up with a table of coupons. He is allowed to trade them at a later time.

They have maps showing the best and fastest routes to the stores on their lists.  It is extremely important that the “OMSSC” (Old Man’s Secret Shopping Club), gets to the store that has the best price as quickly as needed to get to a sale item while the supplies last. It is a slowed down type of feeding frenzy.

They have a telephone list and phone each other to notify members where and when to meet. The business of serious bargain hunting starts at these meetings; they drink coffee, scan through flyers and discuss sales. My husband says they are getting t-shirts made with, “OMSSC”on them.

I learned early in my marriage never to tell my husband that I like something. Honesty hasn’t been the best policy for me. It all started when I mentioned how much I liked Peek Freen cookies, the ones with the jam in the centre. “Yum, I sure love these cookies, dear!”

His dedicated mission is to buy these treats when they are on sale. He will buy four boxes at a time. This has been going on for years and I can hardly stand them anymore. When I open my cupboard there is a whole row of Peak Freens on my top shelf. Storage had become a problem.

He tells me, I will save enough money for a holiday each year.” He does save but not enough for a holiday, maybe a visit and a good dinner in Surrey.

It is just too much of a good thing. I do have a strategy though, every week or so I donate boxes of Peek Freen cookies the food bank bag. He hardly notices they are gone. Maybe I should be honest with him and tell him I don’t like them anymore. I just don’t want to upset the ‘apple cart’ of his dedicated sale shopping. I wouldn’t want him to lose face with his secret club buddies either.

I like having chocolate bars, he buys on sale. I do like having a plentiful supply of delicious food items that I am not tired of.

My lack of honesty, has added girth to my waist and a taste for the good things.  I will just leave well enough alone and let my husband do the shopping. He’ll never have to worry, he can retain his membership in the, “Old Man’s Secret Shopping Club.” It offers companionship. He gives him something to do. He belongs to a group united in a purpose.  And thank God I never have to push another grocery cart again.