July 2017 Newsletter

July 2017 Newsletter

Introduction by Mike Litoris

Mike and the Mrs.

Summertime is always a flurry of activity here in Small Town with the city folks wanting to come and visit our quiet town. This month is our busiest month since Christmas of 2016 and we have 7 articles! Whew! I had to wipe my eyebrows with a kerchief just thinking about all the work that went into this issue.

In this issue:  Aunt Blabby reassures the town pervert, Deborah Poirier updates us on the explosion that started the forest fires, Margo Prentice shares a story about bee stings, and there’s a group discussion about lumbersexuals.

So I hope you enjoy this month’s newsletter!

Local woman wears fake glasses to look smarter

by Mike Litoris

Local woman, Sarah-Anne Snarkley wearing fake glasses

All the residents of Small Town gasped in surprise when Sarah-Anne Snarkley appeared on the main street wearing fake glasses yesterday. Snarkley, who is described by locals as a person whose IQ is lower than the posted speed limit at a dead end, said she wanted to impress the new resident in town.

This reporter had to inquire, “What new resident?”

“The tall, handsome fella over there,” she said as she pointed towards the street.

I looked around but I couldn’t see anybody.

I said, “I’m not sure what you’re pointing at.”

“The man with the dog over there,” she said as she pointed towards a dog.

I started laughing and said, “That’s a lamp post with Sheila Dunham’s dog relieving itself on it!”

Snarkley got all huffy and walked away from me. She really is as dumb as a post!

Dear Aunt Blabby

Aunt Blabby, Advice Columnist

“Dear Aunt Blabby, I can’t enjoy sex unless I am wearing a lumberjacket and work boots….and is it wrong that I married my wife because she is flat as a board and had never been laid? Sincerely, I’m a lumbersexual and I’m ok”

“Dear LIAO,
Lumber jackets are warm soft n fluffy and help to avoid chafing best thing really cuz who wants chafing during sex right? As for loving your wife cuz she’s flat as a board n never been laid, well that’s better then being a board with nails that stick in ya whenever ya do the dirty, not to mention the splinters…..does she stand in the yard with her arms out and let the cats climb her?”

Explosion in the park

by Deborah Poirier

Town Gossip Columnist

 All of a sudden, we heard a big explosion. It looked like it was coming from the National Park. It was summer and the park was full of campers. I followed the fire team as they made their way to the site.  I had heard that the Fire Chief was having an affair with the town’s only arsonist and I wanted to get the scoop on that story.  I was bitterly disappointed when nobody would dish out the details on the affair and instead I have to present this story.

As we arrived at the explosion site, it was packed with families trying to get out. I saw a perfect occasion for interviews.

I was lucky to speak to the bear family as they were running for cover. They were the perfect interviewees as they were close to that campsite.

They brought their cubs to have them experience camp life. They showed them how to scare people and take the food that was left behind. As they were eating, they were startled by a big boom that came close by. They thought it was a shotgun blast. They were worried that hunting season had started early.

A few members of the Bear family

As they were scurrying their cubs to safety, they turned around to see the campsite a few blocks away engulfed in flames.

I then had the opportunity to speak with the teenage chipmunks. They were enjoying their loud music and partying when they heard the blast. They were curious so they had to take a look.

One of the teenage chipmunks

The fire was blazing high, but they were able to see another family still around the campsite. They recognized the moose family. They assisted them to the entrance so they could be examined by paramedics.

Mom Moose and flatulent son

I also had the opportunity to briefly speak with the moose family as they were being checked by paramedics. The head of the household said that he started the campfire with toothpicks and branches that he found nearby. All was going well when all of a sudden his son farted in the direction of the campfire and that is how the explosion happened. They did not know what hit them.

Explosion triggered by a methane leak from Son Moose

Bee Sting

by Margo Prentice

Margo Prentice, Columnist

When Billie Bob the three-year-old son of Sara ran through the door screaming, Sara was alarmed.

“Bite me, something bite me. Look see my head.”

He was playing outside when he came running into the house.

Yes, there was a definite bite on his ear. Sara saw the stinger and got him to sit still long enough to pull it out with tweezers. He had never been bitten before so she didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t very long until his ear got bigger and bigger.

It got so big that she could see the light of day through it. He wouldn’t let her touch it and after a short time. He said, “Don’t hurt Mommy.” But did he look strange! Looking lop-sided and with his small stature, his ear made him look like a garden dwarf. Sara could not contain her laughter.

He looked at her with his dark brown eyes, and shouted, “No laugh at me Mommy.”

She just could not suppress her laughter. Sara gave him anti histamine and sent him to his room and told him to lie down on his bed. When he came back into the kitchen the ear was still big and at the point where the bee stung him, was a point! She started to laugh again.

Sara had to go to the store so she put him in the car seat and off they drove. She put a hat on him but the big, red pointed ear just stuck out of the side of his head. In the store, he was well-behaved, but oh my, the stares. She overheard, “Look at that little boy with the deformed ear. Or so cute he looks like one of Santa’s elves.

She brought him home and still had to hold back laughing. He wasn’t in any pain.

“I’m not a bad mother, am I?” she thought.

Sara decided to dress him in green and put the cap on him. Then told him to sit in the front yard rockery and wait for their neighbour who would be coming home at any moment.

“Now just stand still, point you head with your new big ear showing and when Mr. Ballski drives by, wave at him.”

She felt like she had a living little elf in my front garden rock garden.  When Mr. Ballski drove past he slowed down looked at my elf son, peeped the horn and shouted, “Very funny. ”

To this day even though Billie Bob is all grown she can still close her eyes and see her little boy-child with the giant see-through ear and smiles. Sara often wonders if she was a bad mother.

Town Honours Technology Inventor

by Mike Litoris

Mike Litoris, Lumberjack and Editor of The Small Town Times

Twenty Small Towners showed up at the Town Hall today to honour Raymond Samuels. Samuels is known in these parts as the man who invented toilet seat warmers for outhouses. Samuels is a roly-poly, down-to-earth farmer in his mid-50s. We spoke to Samuels to get his reaction.

“How does it feel to be honored by the town?”

Samuels, “It was a surprise!”

“What gave you the idea for the toilet seat warmers?

Samuels, “I got inspired by having to use the outhouse during that -40C cold snap last winter. I knew I had to do something once I felt Jack Frost nipping at my butt. My wife suggested that perhaps I should warm up the seat with a hot water bottle from now on. That’s when I started to work on Operation Hot Buns a.k.a toilet seat warmers.”

“Many people are dubbing you “The Prince of Cheeks”. What do you think of that title?”

Samuels laughed and said, “I’m okay with that even though it’s cheeky.”

Two Charged in Mailbox Theft

by Mike Litoris and The Old Bastrich

There was utter chaos when the town’s only mailbox went missing last Monday.  Frank Hardy was yelling and pointing at where the mailbox was supposed to be located. The mailman was whinin’ and cryin’ and snottin’ at the nose because he wasn’t sure where to pick up the mail now. Panic ensued when Jordan Alexis did his weekly nude jog passed the scene. The police were quick to respond to this emergency with kleenex boxes and hot chocolate for everyone.  Afterall, chocolate puts people in a good mood.

Once emotions were placated, the police began to search for clues.  They grew suspicious when they followed the trail of letters back to the Pinkpumps’ house.

Trail of mail leading to the Pinkpumps’ house

The elderly twins, Prissy and Penelope Pinkpumps were born in the house the day before the stock market crash of 1929.  It seems the twins heisted the mailbox after finishing a crate of jellied raspberry cordial. They were tired of going outside to mail their letters so they decided to bring the mailbox home.

The elderly twins have been charged with the theft of a mailbox and thinking while intoxicated.  The mailbox has been returned to its rightful place and the mailman’s purpose in life has been restored.

Small Talk

by Mike Litoris

Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question focuses on the term the big city folks in Metropola are using: Lumbersexual.

Annatooshus Belle, Paper Airplane Technician

“Lumbersexual? How do they deal with all those splinters?”

 

 

 

 

Franny Farkle, Toy Dog Wrangler

“Sex with lumber? Them big city folks sure are strange!”

 

 

 

 

Terry Floyd, Professional Anarchist, and Owner of The Anarchist Cafe

“What a man does in the privacy of his own home with a 2×4 is his business!”

 

 

 

 

With great appreciation, I would like to Thank our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier,  Margo Prentice, Gord Pollock as Terry Floyd, C J Jackman Zigante as Aunt Blabby, Anne Bierworth as Annatooshus Belle, Frances Hamlin as Franny Farkle, Ron Kearse as The Old Bastrich, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris.

 

January 2017 Monthly Newsletter

Mike and Verna-May Litoris, Editors

Welcome to the January 2017 issue of The Small Town Times. In this month’s newsletter,  Mike reports about a special event for The Ladies Home and Rifle Club. Our town gossip, Deborah Poirier, walks us through a mysterious car accident. Then we wrap things up with this month’s edition of Small Talk. Happy reading!

 

Mike Litoris, Editor and Logger Extraordinaire

The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club

The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club met at the home of Mrs. Verna-May Litoris on Saturday, January 14 for their weekly meeting, and to celebrate Ms. Mary Watkins birthday. Ten club members, plus Mrs. Shelley Barnes who was visiting from nearby Small Town First Nations Reserve, two neighbourhood dogs, and a wild turkey hen were present.

Everyone joined in singing the club’s song, Nearer to Guns are We, and recited the Club’s motto: Find your own recipe. Mrs. Bonnie King performed an interpretive dance about the frenzied pace of gardening and canning season which was enjoyed very much by all.

The ladies then gathered in the first field behind the house on the Litoris property for gun target practice. This makes it a total of twelve target practices so far in 2017. During target practice, the wild turkey hen started chasing the dogs around creating a ruckus until the dogs accidentally knocked Mrs. Litoris down.

Everyone enjoyed the splendid turkey dinner which was provided by Mrs. Litoris that evening. Bonnie made a birthday cake beautifully decorated with pink and white frosting. A small figurine of a woman in a fancy ball gown carrying a rifle was the cake topper.

The next meeting for the Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club will be this Saturday, January 21 at the home of Mrs. Shelley Barnes. Mrs. Barnes will be demonstrating how to knit your own BINGO dabber cozies.

Visitors are cordially invited to The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club.

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Silent Night – Not!

A terrible accident happened in our little hometown, with three vehicles involved. They had someone in custody who was sleeping off the alcohol. Mon Dieu!

The ambulance had already taken away the other three victims  involved in this crash. I did not have an opportunity to get their stories as they were too injured to speak. I will need to track them down later.

I looked around but all I could find were the clowns from the firefighting team and the police. I thought this was very strange because they usually just stand around doing nothing. I decided I needed do my own investigation.

I finally got to connive my way to see the evidence at the scene. I examined what was left of the vehicles and the tire marks at the scene. The first strange thing I noticed was that there was only one set of tire marks on the road and what looked like animal tracks running the opposite direction. How was this possible?

While examining the vehicles, I noticed that one of them did not look normal. It was freaky-looking. It had no tires, but reins attached like it was pulled by something. The seats had no seat belts on them and there were no doors or hood to this car. We looked in the bush for the roof of the vehicle but could not find anything. What a strange type of car this was.

I needed to speak to the individuals involved in the crash; my first person being the strange-looking person arrested. People told me to be careful of him as he is a fat, jolly, bearded joker all dressed in red. He constantly laughs and takes nothing seriously. Obviously, this was the person who was taken into custody because he was drunk!

I will also need to interview the other individuals involved in the crash to get the whole story. It looks like I have my work cut out for me in the upcoming days.

Stay tuned.

Mike Litoris, Editor and Logger Extraordinaire

Small Talk

Small Talk is a new column where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question is:

“What’s wrong with our education system?”

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip – “Sex Ed classes had no real tips. I had to learn about sex from experimenting in University.”

Terry Floyd, Professional Anarchist  “It’s all propaganda! The real knowledge is in what the government doesn’t want you to know! That is why my café hosts a weekly Conspiracy Theorists meeting at 7 pm on Wednesdays. Beer is half price for those attending the meeting.”

Gertrude Smith, Power Napping Instructor – “Mr. Brown’s so boring I keep falling asleep in her class.”

With gratitude to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Tabetha Farnell as Gertrude Smith, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris and Terry Floyd, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris