July 2017 Newsletter

July 2017 Newsletter

Introduction by Mike Litoris

Mike and the Mrs.

Summertime is always a flurry of activity here in Small Town with the city folks wanting to come and visit our quiet town. This month is our busiest month since Christmas of 2016 and we have 7 articles! Whew! I had to wipe my eyebrows with a kerchief just thinking about all the work that went into this issue.

In this issue:  Aunt Blabby reassures the town pervert, Deborah Poirier updates us on the explosion that started the forest fires, Margo Prentice shares a story about bee stings, and there’s a group discussion about lumbersexuals.

So I hope you enjoy this month’s newsletter!

Local woman wears fake glasses to look smarter

by Mike Litoris

Local woman, Sarah-Anne Snarkley wearing fake glasses

All the residents of Small Town gasped in surprise when Sarah-Anne Snarkley appeared on the main street wearing fake glasses yesterday. Snarkley, who is described by locals as a person whose IQ is lower than the posted speed limit at a dead end, said she wanted to impress the new resident in town.

This reporter had to inquire, “What new resident?”

“The tall, handsome fella over there,” she said as she pointed towards the street.

I looked around but I couldn’t see anybody.

I said, “I’m not sure what you’re pointing at.”

“The man with the dog over there,” she said as she pointed towards a dog.

I started laughing and said, “That’s a lamp post with Sheila Dunham’s dog relieving itself on it!”

Snarkley got all huffy and walked away from me. She really is as dumb as a post!

Dear Aunt Blabby

Aunt Blabby, Advice Columnist

“Dear Aunt Blabby, I can’t enjoy sex unless I am wearing a lumberjacket and work boots….and is it wrong that I married my wife because she is flat as a board and had never been laid? Sincerely, I’m a lumbersexual and I’m ok”

“Dear LIAO,
Lumber jackets are warm soft n fluffy and help to avoid chafing best thing really cuz who wants chafing during sex right? As for loving your wife cuz she’s flat as a board n never been laid, well that’s better then being a board with nails that stick in ya whenever ya do the dirty, not to mention the splinters…..does she stand in the yard with her arms out and let the cats climb her?”

Explosion in the park

by Deborah Poirier

Town Gossip Columnist

 All of a sudden, we heard a big explosion. It looked like it was coming from the National Park. It was summer and the park was full of campers. I followed the fire team as they made their way to the site.  I had heard that the Fire Chief was having an affair with the town’s only arsonist and I wanted to get the scoop on that story.  I was bitterly disappointed when nobody would dish out the details on the affair and instead I have to present this story.

As we arrived at the explosion site, it was packed with families trying to get out. I saw a perfect occasion for interviews.

I was lucky to speak to the bear family as they were running for cover. They were the perfect interviewees as they were close to that campsite.

They brought their cubs to have them experience camp life. They showed them how to scare people and take the food that was left behind. As they were eating, they were startled by a big boom that came close by. They thought it was a shotgun blast. They were worried that hunting season had started early.

A few members of the Bear family

As they were scurrying their cubs to safety, they turned around to see the campsite a few blocks away engulfed in flames.

I then had the opportunity to speak with the teenage chipmunks. They were enjoying their loud music and partying when they heard the blast. They were curious so they had to take a look.

One of the teenage chipmunks

The fire was blazing high, but they were able to see another family still around the campsite. They recognized the moose family. They assisted them to the entrance so they could be examined by paramedics.

Mom Moose and flatulent son

I also had the opportunity to briefly speak with the moose family as they were being checked by paramedics. The head of the household said that he started the campfire with toothpicks and branches that he found nearby. All was going well when all of a sudden his son farted in the direction of the campfire and that is how the explosion happened. They did not know what hit them.

Explosion triggered by a methane leak from Son Moose

Bee Sting

by Margo Prentice

Margo Prentice, Columnist

When Billie Bob the three-year-old son of Sara ran through the door screaming, Sara was alarmed.

“Bite me, something bite me. Look see my head.”

He was playing outside when he came running into the house.

Yes, there was a definite bite on his ear. Sara saw the stinger and got him to sit still long enough to pull it out with tweezers. He had never been bitten before so she didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t very long until his ear got bigger and bigger.

It got so big that she could see the light of day through it. He wouldn’t let her touch it and after a short time. He said, “Don’t hurt Mommy.” But did he look strange! Looking lop-sided and with his small stature, his ear made him look like a garden dwarf. Sara could not contain her laughter.

He looked at her with his dark brown eyes, and shouted, “No laugh at me Mommy.”

She just could not suppress her laughter. Sara gave him anti histamine and sent him to his room and told him to lie down on his bed. When he came back into the kitchen the ear was still big and at the point where the bee stung him, was a point! She started to laugh again.

Sara had to go to the store so she put him in the car seat and off they drove. She put a hat on him but the big, red pointed ear just stuck out of the side of his head. In the store, he was well-behaved, but oh my, the stares. She overheard, “Look at that little boy with the deformed ear. Or so cute he looks like one of Santa’s elves.

She brought him home and still had to hold back laughing. He wasn’t in any pain.

“I’m not a bad mother, am I?” she thought.

Sara decided to dress him in green and put the cap on him. Then told him to sit in the front yard rockery and wait for their neighbour who would be coming home at any moment.

“Now just stand still, point you head with your new big ear showing and when Mr. Ballski drives by, wave at him.”

She felt like she had a living little elf in my front garden rock garden.  When Mr. Ballski drove past he slowed down looked at my elf son, peeped the horn and shouted, “Very funny. ”

To this day even though Billie Bob is all grown she can still close her eyes and see her little boy-child with the giant see-through ear and smiles. Sara often wonders if she was a bad mother.

Town Honours Technology Inventor

by Mike Litoris

Mike Litoris, Lumberjack and Editor of The Small Town Times

Twenty Small Towners showed up at the Town Hall today to honour Raymond Samuels. Samuels is known in these parts as the man who invented toilet seat warmers for outhouses. Samuels is a roly-poly, down-to-earth farmer in his mid-50s. We spoke to Samuels to get his reaction.

“How does it feel to be honored by the town?”

Samuels, “It was a surprise!”

“What gave you the idea for the toilet seat warmers?

Samuels, “I got inspired by having to use the outhouse during that -40C cold snap last winter. I knew I had to do something once I felt Jack Frost nipping at my butt. My wife suggested that perhaps I should warm up the seat with a hot water bottle from now on. That’s when I started to work on Operation Hot Buns a.k.a toilet seat warmers.”

“Many people are dubbing you “The Prince of Cheeks”. What do you think of that title?”

Samuels laughed and said, “I’m okay with that even though it’s cheeky.”

Two Charged in Mailbox Theft

by Mike Litoris and The Old Bastrich

There was utter chaos when the town’s only mailbox went missing last Monday.  Frank Hardy was yelling and pointing at where the mailbox was supposed to be located. The mailman was whinin’ and cryin’ and snottin’ at the nose because he wasn’t sure where to pick up the mail now. Panic ensued when Jordan Alexis did his weekly nude jog passed the scene. The police were quick to respond to this emergency with kleenex boxes and hot chocolate for everyone.  Afterall, chocolate puts people in a good mood.

Once emotions were placated, the police began to search for clues.  They grew suspicious when they followed the trail of letters back to the Pinkpumps’ house.

Trail of mail leading to the Pinkpumps’ house

The elderly twins, Prissy and Penelope Pinkpumps were born in the house the day before the stock market crash of 1929.  It seems the twins heisted the mailbox after finishing a crate of jellied raspberry cordial. They were tired of going outside to mail their letters so they decided to bring the mailbox home.

The elderly twins have been charged with the theft of a mailbox and thinking while intoxicated.  The mailbox has been returned to its rightful place and the mailman’s purpose in life has been restored.

Small Talk

by Mike Litoris

Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question focuses on the term the big city folks in Metropola are using: Lumbersexual.

Annatooshus Belle, Paper Airplane Technician

“Lumbersexual? How do they deal with all those splinters?”

 

 

 

 

Franny Farkle, Toy Dog Wrangler

“Sex with lumber? Them big city folks sure are strange!”

 

 

 

 

Terry Floyd, Professional Anarchist, and Owner of The Anarchist Cafe

“What a man does in the privacy of his own home with a 2×4 is his business!”

 

 

 

 

With great appreciation, I would like to Thank our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier,  Margo Prentice, Gord Pollock as Terry Floyd, C J Jackman Zigante as Aunt Blabby, Anne Bierworth as Annatooshus Belle, Frances Hamlin as Franny Farkle, Ron Kearse as The Old Bastrich, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris.

 

May 2017 Issue

The Johnson’s Affair and Some Robbery

Deborah Poirier, Small Town Gossip Columnist

It was a beautiful sunny morning when I met with my informant at Tim Horton’s.  They were ready to spill the beans on The Johnson’s marital affairs. I had pen and paper handy to get the scoop on this gossip.

Just as he was getting to the nitty gritty of the Johnson’s affairs, the place was interrupted by three dogs who were demanding to get donuts. They were growling and drooling at the mouth at the staff.

The person at the counter said that she could not serve the dogs donuts unless they had some way of paying for them. The dogs started growling again and attacking the staff and customers.  It was a chaotic scene.

When police arrived, they used water soaker guns and drenched everyone and everything. The dogs were caught, told they were bad dogs, and taken to the pound where they await trial.

Now I will never know about the Johnson’s affairs! Mon Dieu! It’s getting so you can’t report real news without it going to the dogs!

Ye Old Barn Dance

by Gertrude Smith

Gertrude Smith, Freelance Writer and Power Napping Instructor

Come on down to ye ole barn dance bring your do-si-do and skip-to-the-loo right on down to the old barn on Main Street. Joey and the Butter Churners will be playing some of their toe-tapping music. So come take that special lady for a spin around the dance floor. Admission is a case of homebrew or some good snacking food to share with all us good folk.

 

 

Family Feud comes to Social Media

Last week, local Small Towner, Leon Boltowitz posted a status on Facebook stating that if anybody had a problem with him that they need to clear it up with directly. When Mary Campbell liked the status, she was immediately contacted by two other local people claiming that they don’t have a problem with Leon. This perplexed Ms. Campbell as she only liked Leon’s status because she agreed that people need to clear up things to directly with each other. She told this reporter that she was unaware of who the status was referring to.

Apparently, Ms. Campbell unwittingly stumbled upon a long-time feud between the Boltowitz family and The Scotts family. The two families have been fighting since 1868 when Great Great Great Grampa Scott accused Great Great Great Grampa Boltowitz of stealing his newspaper from his outhouse. The Scott family says they still feel their ancestor’s pain of mistakenly using Poison Ivy as a toilet paper substitute for the stolen newspaper. The Scotts family retaliated by tipping over The Boltowitz family outhouse while Grampa Boltowitz was in it. Grampa Boltowitz apparently had a heart attack and took months to recover from being in the outhouse while it was being tipped over.

Ms. Campbell says that she won’t be talking to either family anytime soon.

Tickets for

The Spring Outhouse Decorating Contest

The Small Town Outhouse decorating contest starts on May 19. Tickets are $5.00 for the whole family. Maps for a self-guided tour are included in the price. Don’t miss out on the fun! Get your tickets today!

Verna-May’s Birthday Shindig

by Mike Litoris

It was the Mrs. Birthday the other week so I planned a big party for her. I went into Uptown to get the cake for her. She wanted to try one of those fancy gluten-free cakes. The one I ordered her had butter icing with fancy flowers on it. When Verna-May saw it, she blushed and said it looked like our Wedding cake. Here’s a photo of it:

The Mrs.’ Birthday cake

Well, the night got rowdier as it went on and more people started belting back the ale. One of our neighbours, Len and his Mrs. brought their cat named Tabby and some Djembe drums. We were drunk drumming and the energy and vibration had our house hopping.

Around midnight when the party got swinging when Martha Hupplewater donned her red long johns with the square hatch back. Martha started doing her infamous Dance of the Many Moonshines while everyone clapped in time to the drumbeatsA good time was had by all.

Highway closed due to flooding

Highway 65 has been flooded by a beaver dam. A number of cars have been diverted – two at last count! At this rate, there will be a traffic jam for sure!

When Bodswell the Beaver saw the chaos caused by his family’s dam, he said, “Oops! My bad!”

That was followed by a chorus of high-pitched laughter from the other beavers.

We wish to express our heartfelt gratitude to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Tabetha Farnell as Gertrude Smith, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

March 2017 Newsletter

 The March 2017 Newsletter

The Small Town Times

Introduction by Mike and Verna-May Litoris,

Co-Editors

 The month of March has gone by quickly here in Small Town. My Mrs. barely had time to chop wood for the firestove, keep her outhouse cleaning business running, write for this newsletter, and feed the kids and I. I’m really glad that she did have time, though otherwise, we’d still be hungry.

In this month’s newsletter, Deborah Poirier, Small Town’s Gossip Columnist discovers that the price of success can sometimes mean losing friends. Then I, Mike Litoris, have an in-depth discussion with some locals at a bar about our town’s new motto. And we wrap things up with a report about public washrooms in our town.

We hope you enjoy this issue!

Subscribe to our newsletter to keep up-to-date with the happenings in Small Town, the outhouse tipping capital of Canada.

Ignored at the Co-Op

by Deborah Poirier,  Town Gossip Columnist

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Something weird happened while I was at the Co-op getting my next story. I passed by a very close friend of mine that I had not seen in a long time. She moved to Toronto ten years ago, and I had not seen her since. I walked toward her looking forward to catching up with her.

As I approached her, she looked directly at me and turned around to go into the next aisle with her nose up in the air, not even acknowledging me. Sacré bleu! What was her problem? It was very evident that she was ignoring me.

This really bothered me, and I decided to follow her to find out why she ignored me. It was eating me up inside. What was HER problem? I saw her entering the Dermatologist clinic. Can you believe it? I needed to see what she was up to because my job is to snoop. They told me she was here for a follow-up on the facelift she had a month ago. How vain could she be! No wonder she walks with her nose ten feet up in the air.

It kept eating at me why she would be so snobby to me. I was beside myself that a close friend could turn out to be so snobby. We were inseparable all our lives. Mon Dieu!

Turns out, once I got a chance to speak with her after her appointment, she mentioned that she did not recognize me.  I asked her if she wasn’t able to see properly because of her botched facelift.  Her eyes got wide and her lips flattened and then she turned around and walked away from me.

All in all, you and I both know what her real problem was – jealousy! She was obviously jealous of my journalism career that she couldn’t face me.

Read more about Deborah Poirier

Small Talk

by Mike Litoris

Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question is: 

The Town Council has recently made the decision to make the town motto, “Carpe cervisia” meaning “Seize the beer” in Latin. What do you think?

Franklin Fogg, Foreign Correspondent (‘cuz he’s from the other side of town)

 

Franklin, “Not really my kink, I’m afraid. I would have preferred they used the motto from our town’s vampire society, “carpe noctem” – “seize the night”.

I said, “There’s a vampire society in Small Town?”

Franklin, “Hiss!”

 

 

 

Verna-May Litoris, Co-Editor of Small Town Times

Verna-May, “Seize the beer, huh? Well, I’ll seize your beer too if you don’t watch it!”

 

 

 

 

 Franny Farkle, Toy Dog Wrangler

Franny Farkle,   “I’m all for seizing the beer!”

*the dog barks

Franny, “See, even Tony agrees.”

 

The Trail to the Outhouse

Now, unlike the snobs from the nearby village of Uptown, who have their outhouses in their backyards,  we here in Small Town need to walk two miles to use our outhouses. This is our story.

 


With many gratitude to our contributors:  Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Frances Hamlin as Franny Farkle, Moonstorm White as Franklin Fogg,  Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

February 2017 Issue of Small Town Times

 

Mike and Verna-May Litoris, EditorsWell, it’s been a busy month for the Mrs. and me. February is a cold month here so there’s not much going on in town besides playing BINGO and drinking. That being said, this month’s Outhouse & Home issue has now been published and Deborah Poirier returns with the second part of a mysterious vehicle accident that happened here.  We hope that you enjoy this issue.

 

Outhouse and Home is the most popular magazine in Canuck County.  This issue prepares us for the upcoming tax season with some sage advice.


Designed in Canva

 

Silent Night – NOT! Part 2

by Deborah Poirier

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

After that terrible accident that happened in our hometown three days ago, it was time to interview the people involved in my story.

I spoke to an employee of the fat, drunken bastard who caused this problem. The employee’s name is Rudolph.

Rudolph, Employee of Fat, Drunken Maniac

Hi Rudolph, what was your reaction to the scene?

Rudolph: It was crazy; total chaos.

Your employer is now in custody for the drinking and driving. Is he the one responsible?

Rudolph:  I do not want to speak badly about him, but it was hard to maneuver the sleigh when he was pulling us toward the cars.

What is the extent of damage to the vehicles involved?

Rudolph:  The three vehicles involved were in very bad condition. Several people were sent to hospital; two in critical condition.  Mon Dieu!

I then interviewed a witness to the accident who goes by the alias, “Cookie Monster”. I was reticent to interview somebody who called themselves a monster and was covered in blue fur, but the police assured me that his appearance and erratic behaviour was due to his sugar addiction.

Cookie Monster, Small Town’s sugar fiend

How did you see the accident?

Cookie Monster:  I was in my kitchen fixing a snack of “Coooookiiiies”. I suddenly heard a huge crash outside my window. Would you like a cookie?

No thank you. So what information can you provide on this accident?

Cookie Monster:  Before the crash, I saw a red thing flying erratically across the sky. It was speeding, swerving all over the place, coming very close to the street level. Then I heard the crash. Sure you don’t want a cookie?

No. So you are saying that this person was driving drunk.

Cookie Monster: Yes

I then went to the police station to speak with the person in custody. He should be sober enough to speak, or should I say – sober for a change. The police showed me his mug shot, pictured below:

Santa Claus, Drunken Maniac

Can you tell me what happened that night?

Santa: I feel so horrible about it. Because of depression, I was drinking and driving. Every year, I make this trip to provide gifts for all the boys and girls. Always the same old thing with no appreciation.

Santa Claus was charged and lost his license for a year. Mrs. Claus had to drive him around during the next Christmas holiday. This means that I will be on assignment in the North Pole next Christmas to get an exclusive interview with Mrs. Claus. I can’t wait to get my fingers on this gossipI mean, reporting!

With gratitude to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

 

 

 

First Issue of The Small Town Times

Mike Litoris smoking  Editorial by Mike Litoris 

This here’s the very first issue of The Small Town Times. We’re Small Town’s number one source for news and events.  I hope you enjoy it!

Subscribe to our monthly newsletter to find out what’s new in town before your gossipy Aunt Martha does.


Congratulations to Verna-May Litoris, for being named Woman of the Month for the magazine, Outhouse and Home. She is the wife of lumber mill worker and Editor of The Small Town Times, Mike Litoris.

In her interview, she talked about her work, life, and Mike or as she says, “the reasons I need aspirin”. Outhouse and Home has a county-wide distribution which makes Verna-May one of our local celebrities now.

 


Our Annual Hooping Contest was on July 21. Jim Murdoch won again this year for the second year in a row. The judges are always impressed with how he can hoop that truck tire. The runners-up: Brad Johnston’s horse who can swing that hula-hoop around its hind leg, and a polar bear who can hoop a car tire around its arm.

hooping hotties


A bonfire and Corn Roast Potluck social was held on July 30. Buddy French called out the Square Dancing. Good times!


Yours truly, Mike Litoris, was on the cover of Men’s Health magazine for the July issue. My advice for healthy living: Plenty of fresh air, chopping wood, and a good wife who does everything else.

Mike on men's health mag - Copy


The Beer Belly Jug Band performed at The Anarchist Café on August 9. Six people attended…their largest audience ever!


August 12 was the monthly barn dance at Archie Bird’s barn dance out just off Highway 9. Archie says if you want to be put on the invite list to send him a letter. Please address it to A. Bird, RR#2 Small Town, Canada.


Upcoming Events in September

The Agricultural Fair will be between September 9 -12. On Friday, we’ll have hay rides, a corn roast and for dessert there’s some homemade pies from the Ladies’ Home & Rifle Club.

The Annual Tractor Pull will be on Saturday. Last year’s winner was Mike Litoris’ good wife, Verna-May. She pulled her tractor 20 feet in 1 minute! It looks like she may have some stiff competition from Ida Thompson this year. This event happens rain or shine.

On Sunday, we’re having a cattle auction and we’re hoping that you’ll feel moooved to attend. Monday’s for cleaning up after the cattle auction. We’ll need as many volunteers as possible to clean. Please bring your own shovels. We hope to see you there!


Personal Ads

Caution: Please don’t accept any Facebook requests from me. I just don’t know what I’m going to do or say next. I got depressed when I found out that I was friends with myself on Facebook. You’ve been warned! -Ida Thompson

• I’m looking for the riding lawnmower I lent to Buster Brown last week. Buster, return the damn thing! –Jim Murdoch

Wanted: somebody with a pickup truck to help me pull a lawnmower out of a ditch. Contact Buster Brown.


Contributors:

Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris