April 2017 Newsletter

April 2017 Issue of The Small Town Times

Introduction by Mike Litoris and Verna-May Litoris

Small Town’s been a-buzzin’ with activity this month! Not only because the beekeepers are settin’ up shop again, but because of the Annual Outhouse Decorating Contest. Every Spring, the Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club sponsors the event and it draws significant tourism to our community. Even people from Big Town and Uptown buy tickets in advance and come for the event! You can get your tickets today from Bill’s Bait, Tackle, Gas and Gulp Shop for $2.00 a ticket. This is the family event that you and your youngins don’t want to miss! When you purchase a ticket, you’ll receive a map of all the contestants who have gussied up their outhouses for your pleasure. It’s a guided tour! Don’t forget to go back to Bill’s shop to cast your votes!

Know Your Animal Tracks

by Verna-May Litoris

The Spring Silly Photo Contest

Here are the winners of this month’s Silly Photo Contest. The winner is Sister Frangelico from The Sisters of the Order of AK-47. The runner-up is Gertrude Smith as a Christmas Tree. In third place was this mysterious, anonymous photo that was postmarked from the University of Big Town. We don’t know what it is!

Did You Hear?

by Deborah Poirier,

Town Gossip Columnist

 

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Did you heard the news!!! It is outrageous! Quelle horreur!

It is going around all over town. Jenny is having an affair. How did it come to this? I must find out.

I proceed to make my way down to the Co-op to interview people to see what they know. To my surprise, I meet her next-door neighbor, Janet, who is always ready to gossip.

Jenny works at the veterinary clinic in Small Town, and had to go to the Veterinary Convention in Sydney for the weekend. Rumor has it that she met with this other male at the conference. Jenny has been going to Sydney every weekend since then. I do not know how her husband can put up with this. Sacré Bleu!

I spoke with another neighbor, Denise, who says she was with her one weekend in Sydney and they went out for lunch. While lunching, this handsome gentleman came needing to speak with her confidentially. So she went to speak with him in the car and when she came back, she said she had to leave for a bit and she would meet me back at the hotel later.

Denise could not believe that she would make it so obvious about the affair.

After a few weeks, I decided to speak to her sister about this.

She laughed and told me that the whole thing was a rumor.

Jenny was getting a dog for her husband, but it was very sick. She was going to Sydney every weekend to check up on the dog. The man at the restaurant was the vet letting her know that the dog had to go through surgery and she needed to come in to sign papers.

Mon Dieu! All along the affair was with a dog!

Small Talk

by Mike Litoris

Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question is: 

Every town has a twin somewhere in the world. What do you think Small Town’s Twin should be?

Gertrude Smith, Power Napping Instructor,

“I think the twin town should be Spuzzum, British Columbia because we’re beyond Hope too.”

 

 

 

 

 

Barton Frogmeade, Power Napping Disciple

Sleepy Hollow”

 

 

 Nick, The Town Drunk

“Margueritaville”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Contributors

The Small Town Times would like to send a Big Thank You to this month’s contributors:

David Blair as Barton Frogmeade

Frances Hamlin as Sister Frangelico

Tabetha Farnell as Gertrude Smith

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier

Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris

Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris and Nick the Drunk

 

 

March 2017 Newsletter

 The March 2017 Newsletter

The Small Town Times

Introduction by Mike and Verna-May Litoris,

Co-Editors

 The month of March has gone by quickly here in Small Town. My Mrs. barely had time to chop wood for the firestove, keep her outhouse cleaning business running, write for this newsletter, and feed the kids and I. I’m really glad that she did have time, though otherwise, we’d still be hungry.

In this month’s newsletter, Deborah Poirier, Small Town’s Gossip Columnist discovers that the price of success can sometimes mean losing friends. Then I, Mike Litoris, have an in-depth discussion with some locals at a bar about our town’s new motto. And we wrap things up with a report about public washrooms in our town.

We hope you enjoy this issue!

Subscribe to our newsletter to keep up-to-date with the happenings in Small Town, the outhouse tipping capital of Canada.

Ignored at the Co-Op

by Deborah Poirier,  Town Gossip Columnist

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Something weird happened while I was at the Co-op getting my next story. I passed by a very close friend of mine that I had not seen in a long time. She moved to Toronto ten years ago, and I had not seen her since. I walked toward her looking forward to catching up with her.

As I approached her, she looked directly at me and turned around to go into the next aisle with her nose up in the air, not even acknowledging me. Sacré bleu! What was her problem? It was very evident that she was ignoring me.

This really bothered me, and I decided to follow her to find out why she ignored me. It was eating me up inside. What was HER problem? I saw her entering the Dermatologist clinic. Can you believe it? I needed to see what she was up to because my job is to snoop. They told me she was here for a follow-up on the facelift she had a month ago. How vain could she be! No wonder she walks with her nose ten feet up in the air.

It kept eating at me why she would be so snobby to me. I was beside myself that a close friend could turn out to be so snobby. We were inseparable all our lives. Mon Dieu!

Turns out, once I got a chance to speak with her after her appointment, she mentioned that she did not recognize me.  I asked her if she wasn’t able to see properly because of her botched facelift.  Her eyes got wide and her lips flattened and then she turned around and walked away from me.

All in all, you and I both know what her real problem was – jealousy! She was obviously jealous of my journalism career that she couldn’t face me.

Read more about Deborah Poirier

Small Talk

by Mike Litoris

Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question is: 

The Town Council has recently made the decision to make the town motto, “Carpe cervisia” meaning “Seize the beer” in Latin. What do you think?

Franklin Fogg, Foreign Correspondent (‘cuz he’s from the other side of town)

 

Franklin, “Not really my kink, I’m afraid. I would have preferred they used the motto from our town’s vampire society, “carpe noctem” – “seize the night”.

I said, “There’s a vampire society in Small Town?”

Franklin, “Hiss!”

 

 

 

Verna-May Litoris, Co-Editor of Small Town Times

Verna-May, “Seize the beer, huh? Well, I’ll seize your beer too if you don’t watch it!”

 

 

 

 

 Franny Farkle, Toy Dog Wrangler

Franny Farkle,   “I’m all for seizing the beer!”

*the dog barks

Franny, “See, even Tony agrees.”

 

The Trail to the Outhouse

Now, unlike the snobs from the nearby village of Uptown, who have their outhouses in their backyards,  we here in Small Town need to walk two miles to use our outhouses. This is our story.

 


With many gratitude to our contributors:  Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Frances Hamlin as Franny Farkle, Moonstorm White as Franklin Fogg,  Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

The Day the Music Died

At the end of last night’s Line Dancing Social, DJ Hicks made an important announcement. Apparently, Hicks felt dizzy during his set because one of the dancers farted near his booth.  Hicks also claims that he temporarily lost his sense of smell due to the nauseating fumes.

Hicks said, “The smell was more powerful than Farmer Johnson’s liquid fertilizer. I mean, it just permeated everything. I can still smell it on my clothes.”

This reporter asked Hicks why didn’t you just go get some fresh air.

Hicks said, “As a DJ, I can’t leave my booth. I had to stay there – suffering from a proverbial fart cloud surrounding every orifice of my head. I’m asking for some consideration.”

This reporter proceeded to ask some of the attendees if they had seen anyone near the booth last night.  One person did see someone and actually took a photo. It turns out it was Herman, our town’s Yoga Instructor. Here’s the photo:

 

 

Herman, Yoga Instructor and foul farter

 

 

February 2017 Issue of Small Town Times

 

Mike and Verna-May Litoris, EditorsWell, it’s been a busy month for the Mrs. and me. February is a cold month here so there’s not much going on in town besides playing BINGO and drinking. That being said, this month’s Outhouse & Home issue has now been published and Deborah Poirier returns with the second part of a mysterious vehicle accident that happened here.  We hope that you enjoy this issue.

 

Outhouse and Home is the most popular magazine in Canuck County.  This issue prepares us for the upcoming tax season with some sage advice.


Designed in Canva

 

Silent Night – NOT! Part 2

by Deborah Poirier

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

After that terrible accident that happened in our hometown three days ago, it was time to interview the people involved in my story.

I spoke to an employee of the fat, drunken bastard who caused this problem. The employee’s name is Rudolph.

Rudolph, Employee of Fat, Drunken Maniac

Hi Rudolph, what was your reaction to the scene?

Rudolph: It was crazy; total chaos.

Your employer is now in custody for the drinking and driving. Is he the one responsible?

Rudolph:  I do not want to speak badly about him, but it was hard to maneuver the sleigh when he was pulling us toward the cars.

What is the extent of damage to the vehicles involved?

Rudolph:  The three vehicles involved were in very bad condition. Several people were sent to hospital; two in critical condition.  Mon Dieu!

I then interviewed a witness to the accident who goes by the alias, “Cookie Monster”. I was reticent to interview somebody who called themselves a monster and was covered in blue fur, but the police assured me that his appearance and erratic behaviour was due to his sugar addiction.

Cookie Monster, Small Town’s sugar fiend

How did you see the accident?

Cookie Monster:  I was in my kitchen fixing a snack of “Coooookiiiies”. I suddenly heard a huge crash outside my window. Would you like a cookie?

No thank you. So what information can you provide on this accident?

Cookie Monster:  Before the crash, I saw a red thing flying erratically across the sky. It was speeding, swerving all over the place, coming very close to the street level. Then I heard the crash. Sure you don’t want a cookie?

No. So you are saying that this person was driving drunk.

Cookie Monster: Yes

I then went to the police station to speak with the person in custody. He should be sober enough to speak, or should I say – sober for a change. The police showed me his mug shot, pictured below:

Santa Claus, Drunken Maniac

Can you tell me what happened that night?

Santa: I feel so horrible about it. Because of depression, I was drinking and driving. Every year, I make this trip to provide gifts for all the boys and girls. Always the same old thing with no appreciation.

Santa Claus was charged and lost his license for a year. Mrs. Claus had to drive him around during the next Christmas holiday. This means that I will be on assignment in the North Pole next Christmas to get an exclusive interview with Mrs. Claus. I can’t wait to get my fingers on this gossipI mean, reporting!

With gratitude to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

 

 

 

Ikea Coffee Table

 

Well, I took the Mrs. into Big Town the other day to do some shopping. Her friends have been talking about this Swedish furniture place called Ikea so we thought we’d drop by and see what it was like. The Mrs. fell in love with the place. Tarnation it was big, twice as big as Old Man Kelly’s barn! And it’s filled with all kinds of foreign doo-dads that I ain’t never seen before.

Anyway, we came across some coffee tables that were stuck in with some step ladders. We thought it was strange for Ikea to place coffee tables with step ladders, but it’s hard to keep up with modern life in Big Town these days.

We really like the new coffee table because of its sleek, modern design – and it’s portable! The Mrs. will fill a thermos with coffee, pack a plowman’s lunch and meet me in the field behind the house. She’ll continue to plow and I have the lunch. She’s a wonderful catch!

Our fancy Ikea coffee table

 

Our Bridge, Part of our History

The bridge in our town has been here for as long as I can remember.  It’s a little crooked, unsteady and about ready to collapse at any moment, but it’s stood the test of time. Our ancestors knew how to build things that last.

Our bridge has a proud history steeped in safety. Before 1885, when people would get drunk at the local tavern, they would often stumble down the road and accidentally fall into the creek. Well, needless to say, the womenfolk weren’t too happy with cleaning muddy clothes all the time. So, they called a town meeting and demanded that a bridge is put there.

Hour after hour went by, tempers flared … so did nostrils. According to the minutes of that meeting, at one point, Mrs. Thomas Parker even gave a haughty side glance at the Mayor, Mr. Thomas Parker. Mr. Parker recognized his wife’s side glance — wiped the sweat from his brow with his muddy handkerchief– and approved the building of the bridge.

The Small Town bridge

 

January 2017 Monthly Newsletter

Mike and Verna-May Litoris, Editors

Welcome to the January 2017 issue of The Small Town Times. In this month’s newsletter,  Mike reports about a special event for The Ladies Home and Rifle Club. Our town gossip, Deborah Poirier, walks us through a mysterious car accident. Then we wrap things up with this month’s edition of Small Talk. Happy reading!

 

Mike Litoris, Editor and Logger Extraordinaire

The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club

The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club met at the home of Mrs. Verna-May Litoris on Saturday, January 14 for their weekly meeting, and to celebrate Ms. Mary Watkins birthday. Ten club members, plus Mrs. Shelley Barnes who was visiting from nearby Small Town First Nations Reserve, two neighbourhood dogs, and a wild turkey hen were present.

Everyone joined in singing the club’s song, Nearer to Guns are We, and recited the Club’s motto: Find your own recipe. Mrs. Bonnie King performed an interpretive dance about the frenzied pace of gardening and canning season which was enjoyed very much by all.

The ladies then gathered in the first field behind the house on the Litoris property for gun target practice. This makes it a total of twelve target practices so far in 2017. During target practice, the wild turkey hen started chasing the dogs around creating a ruckus until the dogs accidentally knocked Mrs. Litoris down.

Everyone enjoyed the splendid turkey dinner which was provided by Mrs. Litoris that evening. Bonnie made a birthday cake beautifully decorated with pink and white frosting. A small figurine of a woman in a fancy ball gown carrying a rifle was the cake topper.

The next meeting for the Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club will be this Saturday, January 21 at the home of Mrs. Shelley Barnes. Mrs. Barnes will be demonstrating how to knit your own BINGO dabber cozies.

Visitors are cordially invited to The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club.

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Silent Night – Not!

A terrible accident happened in our little hometown, with three vehicles involved. They had someone in custody who was sleeping off the alcohol. Mon Dieu!

The ambulance had already taken away the other three victims  involved in this crash. I did not have an opportunity to get their stories as they were too injured to speak. I will need to track them down later.

I looked around but all I could find were the clowns from the firefighting team and the police. I thought this was very strange because they usually just stand around doing nothing. I decided I needed do my own investigation.

I finally got to connive my way to see the evidence at the scene. I examined what was left of the vehicles and the tire marks at the scene. The first strange thing I noticed was that there was only one set of tire marks on the road and what looked like animal tracks running the opposite direction. How was this possible?

While examining the vehicles, I noticed that one of them did not look normal. It was freaky-looking. It had no tires, but reins attached like it was pulled by something. The seats had no seat belts on them and there were no doors or hood to this car. We looked in the bush for the roof of the vehicle but could not find anything. What a strange type of car this was.

I needed to speak to the individuals involved in the crash; my first person being the strange-looking person arrested. People told me to be careful of him as he is a fat, jolly, bearded joker all dressed in red. He constantly laughs and takes nothing seriously. Obviously, this was the person who was taken into custody because he was drunk!

I will also need to interview the other individuals involved in the crash to get the whole story. It looks like I have my work cut out for me in the upcoming days.

Stay tuned.

Mike Litoris, Editor and Logger Extraordinaire

Small Talk

Small Talk is a new column where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question is:

“What’s wrong with our education system?”

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip – “Sex Ed classes had no real tips. I had to learn about sex from experimenting in University.”

Terry Floyd, Professional Anarchist  “It’s all propaganda! The real knowledge is in what the government doesn’t want you to know! That is why my café hosts a weekly Conspiracy Theorists meeting at 7 pm on Wednesdays. Beer is half price for those attending the meeting.”

Gertrude Smith, Power Napping Instructor – “Mr. Brown’s so boring I keep falling asleep in her class.”

With gratitude to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Tabetha Farnell as Gertrude Smith, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris and Terry Floyd, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris