I was at the hog tying contest yesterday in Squaresville. I was scruffy and unshaven, wearing mud-spattered denim overalls, and a green t-shirt. You were wearing a plaid jacket, torn jeans, and a black t-shirt. When you finished tying your first hog, your blue eyes looked at me and we gazed into each other’s eyes until I gave you a smile. You said you liked my toothless grin. Would love to see you again.
Mike and Verna-May Litoris, EditorsWell, it’s been a busy month for the Mrs. and me. February is a cold month here so there’s not much going on in town besides playing BINGO and drinking. That being said, this month’s Outhouse & Home issue has now been published and Deborah Poirier returns with the second part of a mysterious vehicle accident that happened here. We hope that you enjoy this issue.
Outhouse and Home is the most popular magazine in Canuck County. This issue prepares us for the upcoming tax season with some sage advice.
After that terrible accident that happened in our hometown three days ago, it was time to interview the people involved in my story.
I spoke to an employee of the fat, drunken bastard who caused this problem. The employee’s name is Rudolph.
Hi Rudolph, what was your reaction to the scene?
Rudolph: It was crazy; total chaos.
Your employer is now in custody for the drinking and driving. Is he the one responsible?
Rudolph: I do not want to speak badly about him, but it was hard to maneuver the sleigh when he was pulling us toward the cars.
What is the extent of damage to the vehicles involved?
Rudolph: The three vehicles involved were in very bad condition. Several people were sent to hospital; two in critical condition. Mon Dieu!
I then interviewed a witness to the accident who goes by the alias, “Cookie Monster”. I was reticent to interview somebody who called themselves a monster and was covered in blue fur, but the police assured me that his appearance and erratic behaviour was due to his sugar addiction.
How did you see the accident?
Cookie Monster: I was in my kitchen fixing a snack of “Coooookiiiies”. I suddenly heard a huge crash outside my window. Would you like a cookie?
No thank you. So what information can you provide on this accident?
Cookie Monster: Before the crash, I saw a red thing flying erratically across the sky. It was speeding, swerving all over the place, coming very close to the street level. Then I heard the crash. Sure you don’t want a cookie?
No. So you are saying that this person was driving drunk.
Cookie Monster: Yes
I then went to the police station to speak with the person in custody. He should be sober enough to speak, or should I say – sober for a change. The police showed me his mug shot, pictured below:
Can you tell me what happened that night?
Santa: I feel so horrible about it. Because of depression, I was drinking and driving. Every year, I make this trip to provide gifts for all the boys and girls. Always the same old thing with no appreciation.
Santa Claus was charged and lost his license for a year. Mrs. Claus had to drive him around during the next Christmas holiday. This means that I will be on assignment in the North Pole next Christmas to get an exclusive interview with Mrs. Claus. I can’t wait to get my fingers on this gossip, I mean, reporting!
With gratitude to our contributors:
Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris
Well, I took the Mrs. into Big Town the other day to do some shopping. Her friends have been talking about this Swedish furniture place called Ikea so we thought we’d drop by and see what it was like. The Mrs. fell in love with the place. Tarnation it was big, twice as big as Old Man Kelly’s barn! And it’s filled with all kinds of foreign doo-dads that I ain’t never seen before.
Anyway, we came across some coffee tables that were stuck in with some step ladders. We thought it was strange for Ikea to place coffee tables with step ladders, but it’s hard to keep up with modern life in Big Town these days.
We really like the new coffee table because of its sleek, modern design – and it’s portable! The Mrs. will fill a thermos with coffee, pack a plowman’s lunch and meet me in the field behind the house. She’ll continue to plow and I have the lunch. She’s a wonderful catch!
The bridge in our town has been here for as long as I can remember. It’s a little crooked, unsteady and about ready to collapse at any moment, but it’s stood the test of time. Our ancestors knew how to build things that last.
Our bridge has a proud history steeped in safety. Before 1885, when people would get drunk at the local tavern, they would often stumble down the road and accidentally fall into the creek. Well, needless to say, the womenfolk weren’t too happy with cleaning muddy clothes all the time. So, they called a town meeting and demanded that a bridge is put there.
Hour after hour went by, tempers flared … so did nostrils. According to the minutes of that meeting, at one point, Mrs. Thomas Parker even gave a haughty side glance at the Mayor, Mr. Thomas Parker. Mr. Parker recognized his wife’s side glance — wiped the sweat from his brow with his muddy handkerchief– and approved the building of the bridge.
Welcome to the January 2017 issue of The Small Town Times. In this month’s newsletter, Mike reports about a special event for The Ladies Home and Rifle Club. Our town gossip, Deborah Poirier, walks us through a mysterious car accident. Then we wrap things up with this month’s edition of Small Talk. Happy reading!
The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club
The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club met at the home of Mrs. Verna-May Litoris on Saturday, January 14 for their weekly meeting, and to celebrate Ms. Mary Watkins birthday. Ten club members, plus Mrs. Shelley Barnes who was visiting from nearby Small Town First Nations Reserve, two neighbourhood dogs, and a wild turkey hen were present.
Everyone joined in singing the club’s song, Nearer to Guns are We, and recited the Club’s motto: Find your own recipe. Mrs. Bonnie King performed an interpretive dance about the frenzied pace of gardening and canning season which was enjoyed very much by all.
The ladies then gathered in the first field behind the house on the Litoris property for gun target practice. This makes it a total of twelve target practices so far in 2017. During target practice, the wild turkey hen started chasing the dogs around creating a ruckus until the dogs accidentally knocked Mrs. Litoris down.
Everyone enjoyed the splendid turkey dinner which was provided by Mrs. Litoris that evening. Bonnie made a birthday cake beautifully decorated with pink and white frosting. A small figurine of a woman in a fancy ball gown carrying a rifle was the cake topper.
The next meeting for the Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club will be this Saturday, January 21 at the home of Mrs. Shelley Barnes. Mrs. Barnes will be demonstrating how to knit your own BINGO dabber cozies.
Visitors are cordially invited to The Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club.
Silent Night – Not!
A terrible accident happened in our little hometown, with three vehicles involved. They had someone in custody who was sleeping off the alcohol. Mon Dieu!
The ambulance had already taken away the other three victims involved in this crash. I did not have an opportunity to get their stories as they were too injured to speak. I will need to track them down later.
I looked around but all I could find were the clowns from the firefighting team and the police. I thought this was very strange because they usually just stand around doing nothing. I decided I needed do my own investigation.
I finally got to connive my way to see the evidence at the scene. I examined what was left of the vehicles and the tire marks at the scene. The first strange thing I noticed was that there was only one set of tire marks on the road and what looked like animal tracks running the opposite direction. How was this possible?
While examining the vehicles, I noticed that one of them did not look normal. It was freaky-looking. It had no tires, but reins attached like it was pulled by something. The seats had no seat belts on them and there were no doors or hood to this car. We looked in the bush for the roof of the vehicle but could not find anything. What a strange type of car this was.
I needed to speak to the individuals involved in the crash; my first person being the strange-looking person arrested. People told me to be careful of him as he is a fat, jolly, bearded joker all dressed in red. He constantly laughs and takes nothing seriously. Obviously, this was the person who was taken into custody because he was drunk!
I will also need to interview the other individuals involved in the crash to get the whole story. It looks like I have my work cut out for me in the upcoming days.
Small Talk is a new column where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank. This month’s question is:
“What’s wrong with our education system?”
Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip – “Sex Ed classes had no real tips. I had to learn about sex from experimenting in University.”
Terry Floyd, Professional Anarchist“It’s all propaganda! The real knowledge is in what the government doesn’t want you to know! That is why my café hosts a weekly Conspiracy Theorists meeting at 7 pm on Wednesdays. Beer is half price for those attending the meeting.”
Gertrude Smith, Power Napping Instructor– “Mr. Brown’s so boring I keep falling asleep in her class.”
With gratitude to our contributors:
Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Tabetha Farnell as Gertrude Smith, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris and Terry Floyd, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris
In rural places, it’s common practice for people to go hunting. This here’s Venison stew made by the Mrs. A group of us went hunting last fall and got ourselves a deer.
Terry Floyd, owner of the Anarchist Cafe, is a self-described professional anarchist. He’s our town’s vegan. Terry went with us on the hunting expedition but only to remind us why eating meat is exactly what the establishment wants people to do.
I took the Mrs. into town for a coffee and a donut. Then we noticed that the donut she ordered looked like it had a face. We laughed and called it “Judge Donut”. It looks like it disapproves of everything.