September 2017 issue

The Small Town Times

September 2017 

Mike and Verna-May Litoris, Co-Editors of this here newsletter

September has been a busy month around Small Town as townsfolk are scurrying around getting ready for Winter. There’s canning needing to be done, firewood that needs to be chopped, and the outhouses need to be maintained.

In this month’s issue, our town gossip, Deborah Poirier tells us about how one jalopy’s joy ride ended in tragedy. And I give my first restaurant review from Uptown. So, I hope you enjoy reading this edition.

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Car Gets One-Way Ticket to Impound

It was a dreary fall evening when some teenagers came across a gruesome discovery. As they were walking in the woods they came across a body lying in the pathway.

One of them had a cell phone. They made the 911 call. Fortunately, I heard it on the radar and headed that way so that I could get my story.

I made my way to the wooded area where the body was discovered. The police were there and the yellow tape was already up. I made my way to the police and asked them a few questions to see what had transpired here.

Word was that the body had been there only a few hours. There was fur all over the place so it was hard to tell the exact cause of death. As I moved closer to the scene, I discovered that it was a dead deer

They were still looking over the scene, but it looked like they would need forensics to come to the scene and process the area for clues. In the meantime, the body was sent for an autopsy.

Farmer John did the autopsy and discovered that the body was struck by a vehicle. After the scene was processed, we began the search for the killer. After having all the cars in town go through the lineup, we finally found the car that had caused this heinous crime and incarcerated it for drunk driving.

During the year, this case finally made it to trial. The car was found guilty of all charges and the jury’s verdict was that it be impounded for life.

convicted jalopy

Uptown: The Fancy ‘Burb that has Everything

Mike Litoris, Logger Extraordinaire and Co-Editor of this here newsletter

Well, I was fixing to take the Mrs. on a really special day to a hog-tying contest in Small Town but my teenage daughter, Myka Litoris, insisted that the wife may like something more civilized. She told me about this tea house in Uptown that she thought her Mama would like.

So I left early this morning with the Mrs. to get to Uptown. Now, for those readers who don’t know – Uptown is a fancy suburb of Metropola (a really big city). Uptown is filled with all those rich city folk with indoor plumbing.

Anyway, we went to the fancy tea room my daughter wanted us to go to.  As we entered the fancy place, I held my wallet in my front pocket tightly knowing this place would hurt it.

It was definitely fancy enough with all sorts of antique dishes – the type that Granny would display in her china cabinet.

Then they brought over a menu of teas that were as long as my arms if they were laid end-to-end.  After a lot of looking and talking, the Mrs. and I decided on some fruit teas.  The waitress brought the teapots over and got them steeping over a candle.

Then we looked at the menu for food. While the Mrs. was “oooo’ing” and “aw’n” at the food – I was silently screaming at the prices. Some of the items I’d never heard of before – just what is a Coquille St. Jacques? (pronounced “crock-kill saint jack.”)



Anyway, while the Mrs. was taking pronunciation lessons from the waitress, I was eyein’ the booze menu. Cause Lordy! I needed a drink!

When the desserts came, I knew my pain of feeling like a logger in a china shop was almost over. Wait a minute! I am a logger! Anyway, here’s some photos.

This is an assortment of desserts. I believe it’s pronounced “pet it fours”







Chocolate Souffle (soof-full)











Then the bill came. I’m still consoling myself but I am glad that the Mrs. enjoyed herself. Fellas, your wife is priceless, a few dollars spent showing her a nice time goes a long way. And I do mean a long way. On the way home, she picked up some t-bone steaks and beer. So, I got what I wanted out of the deal too.

Many Thanks to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier

Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris


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