Two Charged in Mailbox Theft
by Mike Litoris and The Old Bastrich
There was utter chaos when the town’s only mailbox went missing last Monday. Frank Hardy was yelling and pointing at where the mailbox was supposed to be located. The mailman was whinin’ and cryin’ and snottin’ at the nose because he wasn’t sure where to pick up the mail now. Panic ensued when Jordan Alexis did his weekly nude jog passed the scene. The police were quick to respond to this emergency with kleenex boxes and hot chocolate for everyone. Afterall, chocolate puts people in a good mood.
Once emotions were placated, the police began to search for clues. They grew suspicious when they followed the trail of letters back to the Pinkpumps’ house.
The elderly twins, Prissy and Penelope Pinkpumps were born in the house the day before the stock market crash of 1929. It seems the twins heisted the mailbox after finishing a crate of jellied raspberry cordial. They were tired of going outside to mail their letters so they decided to bring the mailbox home.
The elderly twins have been charged with the theft of a mailbox and thinking while intoxicated. The mailbox has been returned to its rightful place and the mailman’s purpose in life has been restored.