June 2017 Issue
The Mrs. and I have been working tirelessly on this month’s newsletter. We now have an Advice Columnist named Aunt Blabby.
Barton Frogmeade reports on an interview he had at Small Town University. Deborah Poirier provides the latest gossip. There’s also a report about the monthly Philosopher’s Debate, and this month edition of Small Talk. Enjoy!
Dear Aunt Blabby
This month’s letter comes from someone named Transparent.
“Dear Aunt Blabby, ever since I started wearing my snazzy new invisibility cloak, my wife treats me like I’m not even here. What should I do? “- Transparent
Dear Transparent, It seems to me that you could be looking at a positive, not a negative. This way all them things you used to get yelled at for she can’t see you doing them. So now you can go on ahead and do them things and watch her cuss at the empty room. Win, win right?
Reverend Tewkesbury stormed out of the meditation class he was teaching this morning; claimed he couldn’t focus
Taking the bait
By Deborah Poirier
It was a beautiful sunny morning when Earl Jacobsen decided to take his son and their friends out on their new boat and go fishing.
Earl got the boat ready to go by filling up the gas tank and making sure that the boat was ready for a great fishing trip. They all went to the Gunderson’s Bait Store to get their supplies.
As Earl approached the store, he noticed that there seemed to be a tense situation developing between 3 men, a woman, and Gunderson, the store owner. Earl called me in to find out what was happening.
Sacré bleu! By the time I arrived the Police were there. The argument had escalated with one of the men making a rude gesture at the woman. The woman responded by grabbing his bait bucket and refusing to give it back. It looked like there was going to be a riot for sure!
Mon Dieu! It turns out that the store could not find its bait! Well, only Gunderson could be that careless! Rumour has it that he drinks more than he thinks if you know what I mean.
The police continued their search for the missing bait. They found the store owner’s cat feasting on the bait at the back of the shed.
It looks like the fish are not the only ones taking the bait.
Small Town University
by Barton Frogmeade
Today I have the great privilege of interviewing Dr. Bernice Fabelhaft, Professor of Linguistics and Fashion Science at Small Town University.
Barton: Dr. Fabelhaft, Small Town is all abuzz with the opening of the new Small Town University. What gave you the idea of opening a university here?
Dr. Fabelhaft: Well, as you know, Barton, my late fourth husband ran one of two funeral homes here in Small Town. After his sudden passing, I was left to decide what to do with the place. With health care all the rage, and people living longer and longer, death just isn’t the growth industry it used to be. So instead, I decided to invest in our youth, and open the first university in Small Town.
Barton: Quite so, but isn’t it a bit of a stretch to call it a university?
Dr. Fabelhaft: Not at all! I turned the upstairs offices into a library, converted the mortuary into a science lab, and the chapel into a pub. That gives us arts, sciences, and alcohol: everything you need for a modern university.
Barton: Could you explain the research you’re planning at this new institution? I’m not sure our readers understand the connection between linguistics and fashion science.
Dr. Fabelhaft: We’re at a very exciting time in the development of language. I wrote my Ph.D. dissertation on the similarities between ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics and the growing use of emoji in social media. What we’re observing now is the rise of the new glitterati that communicates on social media using symbols instead of words.
Barton: That’s fascinating, but how does it relate to fashion, and what does science have to do with any of this?
Dr. Fabelhaft: In fashion science, we develop complex formulas to forecast how social trends filter down from the centers of high culture to the lowest common denominators in places like Small Town. Based on my latest computations, I predict that by 2050, no one in Small Town will be talking to each other. Everyone will communicate just by sending stickers, GIFs, and emoji in Facebook Messenger. The written word will be long forgotten.
Barton: You could be onto something. I spoke to our town gossip, Deborah Poirier, just last week, and she told me that half the people in Small Town aren’t on speaking terms with her anymore.
by Mike Litoris
Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank. This month’s question focuses on tourism in Small Town.
The Small Town Business Association, which consists of 3 farmers, an anarchist, and Mrs. Baker’s cat, want to increase tourism to our town this summer.
The town’s business association took a poll to find out what about our biggest tourism draws. The poll showed that the biggest tourism draw, after moonshine, is our friendliness and coming in third place is our gender neutral outhouses. The business association was fresh out of ideas once the poll was finished.
I went to the straight to the heart and soul of Small Town – its bars. I wanted to hear suggestions from folks:
“I think we need a cow chip tossing contest. Maybe we should add some of that moonshine too and call it The Chip n’ Ales Tournament.”
“Moose Tipping! La, la, la, la, la!”
“Why can’t we have tours of Mrs. Baker’s manure sculptures? They’re already on display in her garden.”
“I think we should offer the city folk eco tours to the dump to see the bears.”
Philosopher’s Debate held at Anarchist Cafe
The Philosopher’s Debate at the Anarchist Cafe that was held on June 1. This month’s topic: If I enter the kitchen, and forget what I came for, will going into the living room help me to remember?
The debate got underway at 7:00 p.m. Present at the debate was Franny Farkle, Terry Floyd, Mike Litoris, and Petunia Flowerchild.
Franny: “I think retracing your steps can be helpful.”
Terry: “Space is an illusion. It’s all part of the system.”
Franny: “What system is space part of?”
Terry: “The injustice system! All this physics and thinking all this exists. It’s them trying to get to you!”
Franny: “Matter is a part of physics and space is a part of matter.”
Terry: “You’re twisting my words, man!”
Franny and Terry kept arguing back and forth.
Mike: “I need a beer.”
Mike goes and pours himself a mug at the bar.
Petunia just started singing the song “Loving You” by Minnie Ripperton.
At the end of the debate, Terry was upset and charged everyone more for their beer.
The next Philosopher’s Debate will be on July 15.
The Small Town Times would like to say a Big Thank You to all of their contributors:
David Blair as Barton Frogmeade, Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, CJ Jackman Zigante as Aunt Blabby, Katherine Stringer as Petunia Flowerchild, Frances Hamlin as Franny Farkle, Gord Pollock as Terry Floyd, Margo Prentice as herself, and Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris.