May 2017 Issue

The Johnson’s Affair and Some Robbery

Deborah Poirier, Small Town Gossip Columnist

It was a beautiful sunny morning when I met with my informant at Tim Horton’s.  They were ready to spill the beans on The Johnson’s marital affairs. I had pen and paper handy to get the scoop on this gossip.

Just as he was getting to the nitty gritty of the Johnson’s affairs, the place was interrupted by three dogs who were demanding to get donuts. They were growling and drooling at the mouth at the staff.

The person at the counter said that she could not serve the dogs donuts unless they had some way of paying for them. The dogs started growling again and attacking the staff and customers.  It was a chaotic scene.

When police arrived, they used water soaker guns and drenched everyone and everything. The dogs were caught, told they were bad dogs, and taken to the pound where they await trial.

Now I will never know about the Johnson’s affairs! Mon Dieu! It’s getting so you can’t report real news without it going to the dogs!

Ye Old Barn Dance

by Gertrude Smith

Gertrude Smith, Freelance Writer and Power Napping Instructor

Come on down to ye ole barn dance bring your do-si-do and skip-to-the-loo right on down to the old barn on Main Street. Joey and the Butter Churners will be playing some of their toe-tapping music. So come take that special lady for a spin around the dance floor. Admission is a case of homebrew or some good snacking food to share with all us good folk.



Family Feud comes to Social Media

Last week, local Small Towner, Leon Boltowitz posted a status on Facebook stating that if anybody had a problem with him that they need to clear it up with directly. When Mary Campbell liked the status, she was immediately contacted by two other local people claiming that they don’t have a problem with Leon. This perplexed Ms. Campbell as she only liked Leon’s status because she agreed that people need to clear up things to directly with each other. She told this reporter that she was unaware of who the status was referring to.

Apparently, Ms. Campbell unwittingly stumbled upon a long-time feud between the Boltowitz family and The Scotts family. The two families have been fighting since 1868 when Great Great Great Grampa Scott accused Great Great Great Grampa Boltowitz of stealing his newspaper from his outhouse. The Scott family says they still feel their ancestor’s pain of mistakenly using Poison Ivy as a toilet paper substitute for the stolen newspaper. The Scotts family retaliated by tipping over The Boltowitz family outhouse while Grampa Boltowitz was in it. Grampa Boltowitz apparently had a heart attack and took months to recover from being in the outhouse while it was being tipped over.

Ms. Campbell says that she won’t be talking to either family anytime soon.

Tickets for

The Spring Outhouse Decorating Contest

The Small Town Outhouse decorating contest starts on May 19. Tickets are $5.00 for the whole family. Maps for a self-guided tour are included in the price. Don’t miss out on the fun! Get your tickets today!

Verna-May’s Birthday Shindig

by Mike Litoris

It was the Mrs. Birthday the other week so I planned a big party for her. I went into Uptown to get the cake for her. She wanted to try one of those fancy gluten-free cakes. The one I ordered her had butter icing with fancy flowers on it. When Verna-May saw it, she blushed and said it looked like our Wedding cake. Here’s a photo of it:

The Mrs.’ Birthday cake

Well, the night got rowdier as it went on and more people started belting back the ale. One of our neighbours, Len and his Mrs. brought their cat named Tabby and some Djembe drums. We were drunk drumming and the energy and vibration had our house hopping.

Around midnight when the party got swinging when Martha Hupplewater donned her red long johns with the square hatch back. Martha started doing her infamous Dance of the Many Moonshines while everyone clapped in time to the drumbeatsA good time was had by all.

Highway closed due to flooding

Highway 65 has been flooded by a beaver dam. A number of cars have been diverted – two at last count! At this rate, there will be a traffic jam for sure!

When Bodswell the Beaver saw the chaos caused by his family’s dam, he said, “Oops! My bad!”

That was followed by a chorus of high-pitched laughter from the other beavers.

We wish to express our heartfelt gratitude to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Tabetha Farnell as Gertrude Smith, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

Outhouse and Home

Outhouse and Home is the most popular magazine in Canuck County.  This issue prepares us for the upcoming tax season with some sage advice.