April 2017 Newsletter

April 2017 Issue of The Small Town Times

Introduction by Mike Litoris and Verna-May Litoris

Small Town’s been a-buzzin’ with activity this month! Not only because the beekeepers are settin’ up shop again, but because of the Annual Outhouse Decorating Contest. Every Spring, the Ladies’ Home and Rifle Club sponsors the event and it draws significant tourism to our community. Even people from Big Town and Uptown buy tickets in advance and come for the event! You can get your tickets today from Bill’s Bait, Tackle, Gas and Gulp Shop for $2.00 a ticket. This is the family event that you and your youngins don’t want to miss! When you purchase a ticket, you’ll receive a map of all the contestants who have gussied up their outhouses for your pleasure. It’s a guided tour! Don’t forget to go back to Bill’s shop to cast your votes!

Know Your Animal Tracks

by Verna-May Litoris

The Spring Silly Photo Contest

Here are the winners of this month’s Silly Photo Contest. The winner is Sister Frangelico from The Sisters of the Order of AK-47. The runner-up is Gertrude Smith as a Christmas Tree. In third place was this mysterious, anonymous photo that was postmarked from the University of Big Town. We don’t know what it is!

Did You Hear?

by Deborah Poirier,

Town Gossip Columnist


Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

Did you heard the news!!! It is outrageous! Quelle horreur!

It is going around all over town. Jenny is having an affair. How did it come to this? I must find out.

I proceed to make my way down to the Co-op to interview people to see what they know. To my surprise, I meet her next-door neighbor, Janet, who is always ready to gossip.

Jenny works at the veterinary clinic in Small Town, and had to go to the Veterinary Convention in Sydney for the weekend. Rumor has it that she met with this other male at the conference. Jenny has been going to Sydney every weekend since then. I do not know how her husband can put up with this. Sacré Bleu!

I spoke with another neighbor, Denise, who says she was with her one weekend in Sydney and they went out for lunch. While lunching, this handsome gentleman came needing to speak with her confidentially. So she went to speak with him in the car and when she came back, she said she had to leave for a bit and she would meet me back at the hotel later.

Denise could not believe that she would make it so obvious about the affair.

After a few weeks, I decided to speak to her sister about this.

She laughed and told me that the whole thing was a rumor.

Jenny was getting a dog for her husband, but it was very sick. She was going to Sydney every weekend to check up on the dog. The man at the restaurant was the vet letting her know that the dog had to go through surgery and she needed to come in to sign papers.

Mon Dieu! All along the affair was with a dog!

Small Talk

by Mike Litoris

Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank.  This month’s question is: 

Every town has a twin somewhere in the world. What do you think Small Town’s Twin should be?

Gertrude Smith, Power Napping Instructor,

“I think the twin town should be Spuzzum, British Columbia because we’re beyond Hope too.”






Barton Frogmeade, Power Napping Disciple

Sleepy Hollow”



 Nick, The Town Drunk









Our Contributors

The Small Town Times would like to send a Big Thank You to this month’s contributors:

David Blair as Barton Frogmeade

Frances Hamlin as Sister Frangelico

Tabetha Farnell as Gertrude Smith

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier

Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris

Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris and Nick the Drunk