The March 2017 Newsletter
The Small Town Times
Introduction by Mike and Verna-May Litoris,
The month of March has gone by quickly here in Small Town. My Mrs. barely had time to chop wood for the firestove, keep her outhouse cleaning business running, write for this newsletter, and feed the kids and I. I’m really glad that she did have time, though otherwise, we’d still be hungry.
In this month’s newsletter, Deborah Poirier, Small Town’s Gossip Columnist discovers that the price of success can sometimes mean losing friends. Then I, Mike Litoris, have an in-depth discussion with some locals at a bar about our town’s new motto. And we wrap things up with a report about public washrooms in our town.
We hope you enjoy this issue!
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Ignored at the Co-Op
by Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist
Something weird happened while I was at the Co-op getting my next story. I passed by a very close friend of mine that I had not seen in a long time. She moved to Toronto ten years ago, and I had not seen her since. I walked toward her looking forward to catching up with her.
As I approached her, she looked directly at me and turned around to go into the next aisle with her nose up in the air, not even acknowledging me. Sacré bleu! What was her problem? It was very evident that she was ignoring me.
This really bothered me, and I decided to follow her to find out why she ignored me. It was eating me up inside. What was HER problem? I saw her entering the Dermatologist clinic. Can you believe it? I needed to see what she was up to because my job is to snoop. They told me she was here for a follow-up on the facelift she had a month ago. How vain could she be! No wonder she walks with her nose ten feet up in the air.
It kept eating at me why she would be so snobby to me. I was beside myself that a close friend could turn out to be so snobby. We were inseparable all our lives. Mon Dieu!
Turns out, once I got a chance to speak with her after her appointment, she mentioned that she did not recognize me. I asked her if she wasn’t able to see properly because of her botched facelift. Her eyes got wide and her lips flattened and then she turned around and walked away from me.
All in all, you and I both know what her real problem was – jealousy! She was obviously jealous of my journalism career that she couldn’t face me.
Read more about Deborah Poirier
by Mike Litoris
Small Talk is where I interview people at a local bar – before they get sent to the drunk tank. This month’s question is:
The Town Council has recently made the decision to make the town motto, “Carpe cervisia” meaning “Seize the beer” in Latin. What do you think?
Franklin, “Not really my kink, I’m afraid. I would have preferred they used the motto from our town’s vampire society, “carpe noctem” – “seize the night”.
I said, “There’s a vampire society in Small Town?”
Verna-May, “Seize the beer, huh? Well, I’ll seize your beer too if you don’t watch it!”
Franny Farkle, Toy Dog Wrangler
Franny Farkle, “I’m all for seizing the beer!”
*the dog barks
Franny, “See, even Tony agrees.”
The Trail to the Outhouse
Now, unlike the snobs from the nearby village of Uptown, who have their outhouses in their backyards, we here in Small Town need to walk two miles to use our outhouses. This is our story.
With many gratitude to our contributors: Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Frances Hamlin as Franny Farkle, Moonstorm White as Franklin Fogg, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris
At the end of last night’s Line Dancing Social, DJ Hicks made an important announcement. Apparently, Hicks felt dizzy during his set because one of the dancers farted near his booth. Hicks also claims that he temporarily lost his sense of smell due to the nauseating fumes.
Hicks said, “The smell was more powerful than Farmer Johnson’s liquid fertilizer. I mean, it just permeated everything. I can still smell it on my clothes.”
This reporter asked Hicks why didn’t you just go get some fresh air.
Hicks said, “As a DJ, I can’t leave my booth. I had to stay there – suffering from a proverbial fart cloud surrounding every orifice of my head. I’m asking for some consideration.”
This reporter proceeded to ask some of the attendees if they had seen anyone near the booth last night. One person did see someone and actually took a photo. It turns out it was Herman, our town’s Yoga Instructor. Here’s the photo: