February 2017 Issue of Small Town Times

 

Mike and Verna-May Litoris, EditorsWell, it’s been a busy month for the Mrs. and me. February is a cold month here so there’s not much going on in town besides playing BINGO and drinking. That being said, this month’s Outhouse & Home issue has now been published and Deborah Poirier returns with the second part of a mysterious vehicle accident that happened here.  We hope that you enjoy this issue.

 

Outhouse and Home is the most popular magazine in Canuck County.  This issue prepares us for the upcoming tax season with some sage advice.


Designed in Canva

 

Silent Night – NOT! Part 2

by Deborah Poirier

Deborah Poirier, Town Gossip Columnist

After that terrible accident that happened in our hometown three days ago, it was time to interview the people involved in my story.

I spoke to an employee of the fat, drunken bastard who caused this problem. The employee’s name is Rudolph.

Rudolph, Employee of Fat, Drunken Maniac

Hi Rudolph, what was your reaction to the scene?

Rudolph: It was crazy; total chaos.

Your employer is now in custody for the drinking and driving. Is he the one responsible?

Rudolph:  I do not want to speak badly about him, but it was hard to maneuver the sleigh when he was pulling us toward the cars.

What is the extent of damage to the vehicles involved?

Rudolph:  The three vehicles involved were in very bad condition. Several people were sent to hospital; two in critical condition.  Mon Dieu!

I then interviewed a witness to the accident who goes by the alias, “Cookie Monster”. I was reticent to interview somebody who called themselves a monster and was covered in blue fur, but the police assured me that his appearance and erratic behaviour was due to his sugar addiction.

Cookie Monster, Small Town’s sugar fiend

How did you see the accident?

Cookie Monster:  I was in my kitchen fixing a snack of “Coooookiiiies”. I suddenly heard a huge crash outside my window. Would you like a cookie?

No thank you. So what information can you provide on this accident?

Cookie Monster:  Before the crash, I saw a red thing flying erratically across the sky. It was speeding, swerving all over the place, coming very close to the street level. Then I heard the crash. Sure you don’t want a cookie?

No. So you are saying that this person was driving drunk.

Cookie Monster: Yes

I then went to the police station to speak with the person in custody. He should be sober enough to speak, or should I say – sober for a change. The police showed me his mug shot, pictured below:

Santa Claus, Drunken Maniac

Can you tell me what happened that night?

Santa: I feel so horrible about it. Because of depression, I was drinking and driving. Every year, I make this trip to provide gifts for all the boys and girls. Always the same old thing with no appreciation.

Santa Claus was charged and lost his license for a year. Mrs. Claus had to drive him around during the next Christmas holiday. This means that I will be on assignment in the North Pole next Christmas to get an exclusive interview with Mrs. Claus. I can’t wait to get my fingers on this gossipI mean, reporting!

With gratitude to our contributors:

Annette Joyal as Deborah Poirier, Gord Pollock as Verna-May Litoris, Jessie Blair as Mike Litoris

 

 

 

Ikea Coffee Table

 

Well, I took the Mrs. into Big Town the other day to do some shopping. Her friends have been talking about this Swedish furniture place called Ikea so we thought we’d drop by and see what it was like. The Mrs. fell in love with the place. Tarnation it was big, twice as big as Old Man Kelly’s barn! And it’s filled with all kinds of foreign doo-dads that I ain’t never seen before.

Anyway, we came across some coffee tables that were stuck in with some step ladders. We thought it was strange for Ikea to place coffee tables with step ladders, but it’s hard to keep up with modern life in Big Town these days.

We really like the new coffee table because of its sleek, modern design – and it’s portable! The Mrs. will fill a thermos with coffee, pack a plowman’s lunch and meet me in the field behind the house. She’ll continue to plow and I have the lunch. She’s a wonderful catch!

Our fancy Ikea coffee table